At first, I was a little miffed to hear about today's House Judiciary Committee hearing "Legal Issues Relating to Football Head Injuries, Part II." First, because no one invited me to part I and second, because in this era of unemployment, healthcare snafus and overall economic cluster humps, why is the House of Representatives holding meetings to protect a bunch of pro athletes? And whole athletes! Just their heads! It's not like they're a bunch of slave laborers or Gary Colemans or anything; They knew exactly what they were getting into when they signed the contract. Seriously, what did they think the helmets were for, decoration? No.
Then I saw the above photo of former NFL football player Kyle Turley. I realized that, however ill-fitting his suit is, it probably cost more than my entire wardrobe and he probably hardly ever gets a chance to wear it, so maybe I should cut him some slack. Furthermore, he and several other NFLers are donating their brains and spinal cords for concussion research -- after they're done with them, of course. But still, it's a lovely gesture and deserves some kind of kudos. You give blood, you get a cookie and maybe an Aerosmith concert ticket. You give your brain, you get to put on a suit with zippered pockets, fly to Detroit, and answer questions for congressmen in room 1460 of the Wayne State School of Medicine Conference Center. It only seems fair.
As it turns out, footballers aren't the only ones joining in on the masochistic bonhommie at Wayne State. Scientists there are also doing research with mixed martial arts fighters to learn exactly how much punishment the human body is capably of dishing out and taking. Did you know that an expert kicker can generate up to 9,000 newtons, or roughly a ton, of force with one blow? That's a lot of figs.
So what's going on is that all these professional athletes are aware that what they do completely destroys their bodies, yet they do it anyway. But, thankfully, a bunch of Detroit researchers (who are far more badass than any ultimate fighter, I'm told) have talked them into giving back to the community. That way, we can use this knowledge to help people who might accidentally hurt their heads.
And as a side note, if you're ever in a bar within a mile of Wayne State School while this research is going on and some big fella picks a fight with you, run away as fast as you can. 9,000 fig newtons. That's all I'm sayin'.
Photo: AP Photo/Paul Sancya
WAYNE STATE!! I've never stepped foot in the school of medicine building, but I know where it is! I'd like to add to the side note, that it's a pretty good idea to avoid the bars in Detroit period. Unless it's Menjos or the Malebox. Gay bars in Detroit are surprisingly safe.
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