Cardio may save you from zombies, but not necessarily a heart attack

Apparently, it's "Bothered by Science" Week here at The Real Fitness Nerd, cuz I have another study to whinge about. Here are the facts, hot off the press release:

In one recent study in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology, researchers analyzed the heart disease risk of 45-, 55- and 65-year-old men based on their fitness level and traditional risk factors, such as age, systolic blood pressure, diabetes, total cholesterol and smoking habits. The scientists found that low levels of midlife fitness are associated with marked differences in the lifetime risk for cardiovascular disease.

For example, a 55-year-old man who needs 15 minutes to run a mile has a 30 percent lifetime risk of developing heart disease. In contrast, a 55-year-old who can run a mile in eight minutes has a lifetime risk of less than 10 percent.

In my mind, this is just another overly-simplistic test that produces highly-contestable results. Here's why: I hate running.

That is to say, I don't mind it when you run. Run all you want. I'll be here when you get back. What bothers me is when I run. Maybe it's the fact that my scar-tissue-laden shoulders and cartilage-deficient knees start complaining before I can even get my heart rate up. Maybe it was too many laps mockingly assigned to me, the fat kid, by Mr. Mann in P.E. class. (Yes, my gym teacher's name was Mr. Mann. Maybe that's funny for you. For me, it's a painful memory that makes me want to comfort eat Pop Tarts, so laugh it up.) Either way, I have a Grinch-esque dislike for running and therefore, I'm lousy at it.

If this test were for a mile swimming or biking or paddling, I'd probably do quite well, but my systems just aren't trained for running. Honestly, I don't know if I could do a mile in 8 minutes, but I doubt it - and I know my heart is infine shape. Sure, if I were being chased by zombies, I could probably blow through that mile once the adrenaline kicked in (of course I'm referring to 28 Day Later fast zombies, as opposed to your conventional Night of the Living Dead slow zombies), but last I checked, these scientists did not factor escaping the undead into their experiments.

So if you can't crank out an 8-minute-mile, don't freak out. If you're truly out of shape, you don't need a track to figure it out. Go to the doctor and get some blood work done. Then if you feel you need to run to fix things, get yourself a new pair of jogging shoes, but don't expect to see me out there pounding the streets with you. Unless, of course, this Saturday's pending apocalypse turns out to be of the zombie variety.

photo: The Zombie Research Society